Lately I have been having some less-than-pleasant thoughts. Dying sounds right to me, not rushed, just feels right. I would have called the hotline but the walls around my house are paper-thin, and I could not go for anyone snooping on me. I am registered with a website called “reachout” and they recommended me to this website/hotline. Other generalized issues add up to how I feel, such as self harm and problems with food. I am here because I felt the need to expend all my options before I commit to anything, because if I go through with this then I want my family to know I tried everything, that there was nothing they could do. I really just want it to end.
But I want my family to know it’s for the best. I’m not making a rash decision, I’ve giving it plenty of thought. I want to die but I care about them, and I don’t want them to feel the same way I have after I’m gone, which is the sole thought keeping me here. Right now I don’t know which is more important to me, my death or their lives (yea it selfish but I can’t help it–why I feel so guilty). I have refrained for a couple days now from doing anything but I can feel myself shortening my patience. I know I need to talk to someone and I should but I just want to DIE!
There is one friend that has hung on and won’t let go, and it’s because of her I’m going to see someone, but I don’t think it’ll come soon enough, and I’m worried I won’t be able to hold on for so long. I would also tell my mom but I cannot bare the look on her face. The thought both keeps me alive for protecting my family, and encourages me to die as I become swamped in guilt. This is my last option, and though I’m not really keen on writing this email, I am, and I found it’s so much easier to die than to write this, but I’m here for a final chance. I’m writing this for my family, but they need to see that I just need to move on. The guilt is causing so much pain, and the thought of dying is ever-tempting. I just want to let go.
I also realize that this is an email and responses probably will take a while, so I will try my hardest with patience (mostly because of school), but I’m barely keeping my head above water, and I’m just so ready to die. The most I can hope for is to go to sleep as soon as I can and go to school tomorrow so I won’t be as tempted, but after that I’m not sure. (If I hesitate to respond that is why) Sorry this was a rant and super long. Thanks for your time.