Keeping My Head Above Water

Posted by | March 04, 2014 | Suicide | One Comment

Lately I have been having some less-than-pleasant thoughts. Dying sounds right to me, not rushed, just feels right. I would have called the hotline but the walls around my house are paper-thin, and I could not go for anyone snooping on me. I am registered with a website called “reachout” and they recommended me to this website/hotline. Other generalized issues add up to how I feel, such as self harm and problems with food. I am here because I felt the need to expend all my options before I commit to anything, because if I go through with this then I want my family to know I tried everything, that there was nothing they could do. I really just want it to end.

But I want my family to know it’s for the best. I’m not making a rash decision, I’ve giving it plenty of thought. I want to die but I care about them, and I don’t want them to feel the same way I have after I’m gone, which is the sole thought keeping me here. Right now I don’t know which is more important to me, my death or their lives (yea it selfish but I can’t help it–why I feel so guilty). I have refrained for a couple days now from doing anything but I can feel myself shortening my patience. I know I need to talk to someone and I should but I just want to DIE!

There is one friend that has hung on and won’t let go, and it’s because of her I’m going to see someone, but I don’t think it’ll come soon enough, and I’m worried I won’t be able to hold on for so long. I would also tell my mom but I cannot bare the look on her face. The thought both keeps me alive for protecting my family, and encourages me to die as I become swamped in guilt. This is my last option, and though I’m not really keen on writing this email, I am, and I found it’s so much easier to die than to write this, but I’m here for a final chance. I’m writing this for my family, but they need to see that I just need to move on. The guilt is causing so much pain, and the thought of dying is ever-tempting. I just want to let go.

I also realize that this is an email and responses probably will take a while, so I will try my hardest with patience (mostly because of school), but I’m barely keeping my head above water, and I’m just so ready to die. The most I can hope for is to go to sleep as soon as I can and go to school tomorrow so I won’t be as tempted, but after that I’m not sure. (If I hesitate to respond that is why) Sorry this was a rant and super long. Thanks for your time.

One Comment

  • admin says:

    Thank you so much for reaching out for help! It sounds like you are going through a very difficult time and are feeling some strong emotions right now. We want you to know that you are not alone because we are here to give you some positive support and encouragement.

    We are very concerned about your safety. Talking about these type of thoughts is never easy but it sounds like you have some very caring people in your life who would not want to see you harm yourself. You mentioned that you are overwhelmed with guilt right now and that must be a very heavy feeling. We want to encourage you let that guilt go and open up to your mom.

    She loves you and cares about you. If she knew you were in this much pain she would do anything she can to help you. There is absolutely no reason that you have to go through this on your own. You deserve the help and support to get through this. Please talk with her.

    If you would like to talk with one of our counselors, please call 1-800-448-3000. We are here 24/7 to talk with you.

    Take care,

    Candi, Counselor

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