Whenever my mom and I fight my mom hits me. Things have been good ever since school started four weeks ago. We’ve hardly fought at all. She’s been going to counseling, because I refuse to go and she says that one of us has to. I don’t want to go to counseling because she has forced me to talk to so many counselors that I’ve grown to really dislike them. She’s not hit me much since she started counseling, but today she blew up. I think she was frustrated because she didn’t really want to go to work, and I can understand that because I sometimes feel that way about school.
Whenever we fight she yells at me, calls me names, swears at me, threatens me, mocks me, and hits me. She tells me that she wishes she lived alone and that she could send me somewhere. Today when she hit me, I suddenly felt like I wanted to hit back. I was angry. I didn’t want to stand there and take it. She yelled at me not to hit her, but I don’t think it makes sense that she can hit me, but I can’t defend myself. She also sent a policeman to our apartment after she went to work.
She’s threatened to ask for welfare checks before, but never actually done it, until today. It really scared me. A while ago, during a fight, I told her that hitting is physical abuse, but she said that it’s not and that I’ve never been abused. A few weeks ago we had a fight and I pointed out that she left red marks on my arms.
She asked me whose fault that was, and I told her that she’s the one who hit me. She said, “Who brought it on?” and hit me some more. Every time I think of the times she’s hit me, I feel really miserable. I’m genuinely wondering if it’s really my fault. Is it abuse? Am I responsible? It’s really frustrating. I don’t want to go to counseling, like I said before. I’d rather talk to her instead of being shoved in someone else’s face like my mom doesn’t want to try to deal with me.
I also wonder if she feels and remorse after she hurts me. Before school started, we were out in public and she noticed she left scratches and bruises on my arms. She was really nervous and wanted me to come up with a story. I thought, “If you didn’t hit me I wouldn’t have these marks.”