by Chase Myers LMHCA, BYS Therapist
There was a time in all of our lives when finding a new friend was as simple as someone running up to us, exclaiming loudly, “Wanna play?!” And BOOM, just like that, a friendship was formed. Between the lack of responsibility, inhibition, and judgment, it seemed little advice was needed for making friends. But, this carefree approach begins to shift around the ages of six and seven when we develop greater levels of social and emotional awareness, contributing significantly to the increasing difficulty of making new friends. Those who are lucky enough to maintain their early-year playground friends into their later years are at an advantage, as they go through developmental stages with peers who add a sense of security and stability. For those who moved frequently or never had the opportunity to build those early attachments, gaining comfort with forming new friendships can feel like an insurmountable obstacle.
If your child is struggling with making friends, it is important first to identify their specific challenges. Are they more concerned with academic standing or athletic success, viewing socializing as less important? Do they have a negative self-image and doubt others’ ability to enjoy their company? Perhaps they experience difficulties with communication, concentration, or picking up social cues. The better you and your child understand what barriers may be impacting their desire to find friends, the more approachable working towards that goal may be.
Kids that are impulsive and hyperactive may have more difficulties sharing or managing ‘big’ emotions as they arise. Alternatively, those who take longer to ‘warm up’ to social situations may feel overshadowed by those around them, finding it difficult to speak up about their ideas and interests. For these and other challenges, dedicating time at home to build stronger social skills can be an excellent place to start. Just as
you may help your child practice their pitching, batting or free throw skill sets to make the team, by targeting specific social fundamentals, you not only help strengthen these important qualities but also normalize that these are skills that can be honed and developed with practice.
Common Social Skills to Strengthen
Developing Empathy: Encourage empathy by asking reflective questions such as, “Do you think they had a fun time playing too?” and following their response with, “What makes you say that?”
Emotional Regulation: Help your child talk through difficult emotions and find reliable outlets for them.
Strengthening Communication: Practice sharing interests and active listening to help your child gain comfort in conversations.
Embracing the Uncomfortable: Teach your child to apologize with authenticity and forgive with compassion. Social connections can be complicated, and the ability to handle conflict can lead to stronger friendships.
Setting Realistic Expectations
Building stronger social skills can make the often intimidating process of making and maintaining friends easier. However, it is important to set realistic expectations for both your child and yourself regarding what an active social life entails. It can be easy to fall into a comparison mindset when considering the ‘ideal’ quality and quantity of friends. Just as it is important to consider the specific barriers that may hinder your child’s desire to create friendships, it is equally important to factor in their personality and preferences. While some kids may exemplify the term ‘social butterfly,’ others are perfectly content with one or two close pals. Many times, these differing individuals even end up being siblings. The more that you as their parents work to normalize and validate these alternative paths toward social connection (both for them and yourself!), the easier it will be for your children to understand and appreciate their unique approach to life. This often leads to more confidence and a greater ability to step out of their comfort zone when the need arises.
Navigating Online Friendships
These tenets also apply when considering how your children’s social needs are met online. Activities such as gaming and streaming have increasingly become social centers of kids’ lives. While there are valid concerns regarding online friendships, for many kids, the diverse interests, comfort, and accessibility of online interactions make social connection more approachable than ever before. Despite differences between online and in-person friendships, many core benefits remain, such as having someone to share interests, thoughts, sadness, and fears with.
Many well-meaning parents who fear that online friendships might hold a child back from forming in-person friendships may feel that cutting off access to virtual friends is necessary. However, this can lead to the child retreating into isolation, internalizing the message that their meaningful connections are ‘less than’ and something to feel ashamed about. Encouraging a balance between online and in-person socialization can
help your child challenge themselves while maintaining their sense of belonging and security. Setting limits around online activity and finding in-person opportunities that align with their interests, such as camps, clubs, or volunteer work, can prove beneficial in attaining a more balanced goal.
Leading by Example
While helping your children work through their challenges and maintaining realistic expectations can aid their journey toward a more meaningful social life, it is important to remember that it is their life and only they can decide how they approach it. Perhaps the most impactful way you can help them build strong and healthy friendships is by setting an example. By maintaining your own friendships, you not only offer clear examples for your children to model after, but you also benefit yourself. Friendships can alleviate the stress of life, making you a happier, healthier person and parent.
Helping your child make friends involves understanding their unique challenges, fostering essential social skills, setting realistic expectations, balancing online and in-person interactions, and leading by example. By providing a supportive and understanding environment, you can empower your child to build meaningful and lasting friendships.